Tuesday, May 09, 2006

So, It Begins

Here's what faith for me looks like right now: keep moving. I have had a tendency in my life to really just freeze up when situations that are painful invade: job layoffs, financial frustrations, failures. When all this happened (see previous post to see what "this" is), I could not escape the whisper deep in my heart: "don't be afraid to grieve, know that I'm here in the middle of this, and don't stop". There are still things that I believe haven't been adequately explained to me, and I struggle with how far to pursue those who could be more honest about why certain decisions were made. At best I was misled and given false hope, at worst, I have been outright lied to and treated very poorly. Part of the struggle comes in that those responsible are old friends who I have had great respect and admiration for. The other part of the struggle is the belief that God wants me to trust Him, believe He is going to turn this for good, even if I don't see that clearly in this lifetime. There is a powerful change taking place in my Spirit, a deep belief in the goodness of God. I'm noticing that although the "how long?" cry's still come out, there is also an embracing of this moment, this time, an enjoyment of the fact that God is operating on my behalf outside of what I can see and understand, and I'm sort of enjoying the ride. Don't get me wrong, the fact that I return to my old job this week feels pretty heavy, even a little depressing. But it's not the only feeling, the only voice speaking. There's a chorus to a Third Eye Blind song that says "I've never been so alone, and I've never been so alive". It's amazing how the moments I feel abandoned by God are often met with the moments that my relationship with Him seems so alive. It seems that in the middle of the "how long" and "so alone" moments is where the "I'm here" and "so alive" moments are to be found. And, yeah, I'm kinda glad to be here, I'm hovering dangerously close to "count it all joy".

Here's one thing that I've come face to face with. One of my responses to this experience has been to bail on my diet completely. I know there's a mindset that says "hey, its understandable, given what you're going through", but that doesn't call it what it is. I've realized one of the places I've given food that it should not have. I'm quickly reminded that my battle there is still in a very precarious stage, and I could easily be defeated by this setback. You know, that just pisses me off. It was for actual lived out freedom I was set free. I've been beat back and into submission by stuff like this before, but I'm not that person anymore.

Yeah, that was the singing sound of a sword being drawn. It's on.


Kyle said...

"Yeah, that was the singing sound of a sword being drawn. It's on."

You rock.

heartsjoy said...

I must admit that I LOVE to read your blog. God is using you to touch others including me!! I totally agree with Kyle....loved that line and honestly, I felt that sword being drawn even before you made the last sentence and I was cheering you on as you said it! God is so amazing that during a crisis we can really feel...joy? It is never a dull ride. I relate to wanting to chuck the diet plan when other stresses are taking over but I begin to realize, like you, that it is a battle I don't want to loose anymore! Man, I am stretching my bow and praying for you in this journey. This fellowship is going to accomplish our mission! :)

SuperMom said...


I feel like I should stand up and cheer.

You SO rock...hard.

chadwick said...

Your honesty inspires me !

These are some lyrics to a Jackson Browne song called "Farher On" that remind me a bit of your journey :

"Now the distance leads me farther on
Though the reasons I once had are gone
I keep thinking I’ll find what I’m looking for
In the sand beneath the dawn

But the angels are older
They can see that the sun’s setting fast
They look over my shoulder
At the vision of paradise contained in the light of the past
And they lay down behind me
To sleep beside the road till the morning has come
Where they know they will find me
With my maps and my faith in the distance
Moving farther on"