I've had better days. For the past ten days to two weeks I have been in honest discussion and interviews with a local ministry about taking a position with them. In fact, I believed that I had the job. It seemed apparent to me that so much of what had happened in my life and heart the last couple of years had prepared me for this place, for this work. I even told a few folks about my "new" job, mostly because I believed and understood that it was mine. Today, like a freakin lightning bolt, I learned that someone else had been hired. "More qualified".
I cannot describe the profound and deep disappointment I feel. It wasn't about not getting a job, I've applied for and been turned down for plenty of jobs. It was the overwhelming sense that this was something I felt called to, created for, however you want to say it, and in one phone conversation followed by an impromptu office visit, it's yanked away. I called my beautiful bride and just wept, had a hard time saying understandable words. She was a rock for me. I know she counts on me to be strong for her, but when I need her strength in return, I'm stunned by it.
My faith is being tested, I've never walked through this before. I've never had something that I believed was right and I felt called to not happen. Don't misunderstand that, I've tried for tons of things I didn't get, from jobs to dates (obviously pre marriage) to cars, etc., but I've only felt a sense of calling three, maybe four times in my life, and those things happened. My sense of calling and belief in that place has not changed, but I will not go there to work tomorrow. Why is this happening? Did I miss God? If I did, why did absolutely everyone I shared much detail with agree with amazing excitement that this had to be God? Were all of us wrong? The thing is, if we're not wrong, it's even more complicated.
It would seem easier to say something like "I must have missed God on this" than to believe that not only did I not miss God, He made sure all of those I had opportunity to share with confirmed this direction in my life. Because if all of that's true, and frankly I believe that it is, then I have to believe that God is turning this for my good and His glory. On His timeframe. That looks fairly spiritual as I read it, but I don't feel real spiritual. I'm heartbroken. And I'm mad. I'm more than a little confused.
You may say something like "don't count your chicks before they hatch" but if you were to talk to those who walked through this with me, you'd find that I didn't. You might want to rush to my defense and believe I was misled into thinking the job was mine. I may have been. I'm less concerned with any misleading on the human level, I'm wondering if I was misled by God. Ok, don't gasp and quote scripture at me because of that comment, but it does me no good to disguise and water down how I feel. Thanks to my good friend for his recent post on disillusionment, and his reminder that God is in the middle of that. I'm not ready to say I'm Ok with it as he does, but it spoke to me.
Maybe we're getting down to it, me and God. I want to know and relate to Him more, and He's taking me to places where my faith is tested, where trials turn to Gold. I'd like to say something positive and report how excited I am and trusting I am, but, lying doesn't accomplish anything, especially in relating and hearing God. So right now, this just really sucks.