Thursday, May 04, 2006

I was lost, crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I've had better days. For the past ten days to two weeks I have been in honest discussion and interviews with a local ministry about taking a position with them. In fact, I believed that I had the job. It seemed apparent to me that so much of what had happened in my life and heart the last couple of years had prepared me for this place, for this work. I even told a few folks about my "new" job, mostly because I believed and understood that it was mine. Today, like a freakin lightning bolt, I learned that someone else had been hired. "More qualified".

I cannot describe the profound and deep disappointment I feel. It wasn't about not getting a job, I've applied for and been turned down for plenty of jobs. It was the overwhelming sense that this was something I felt called to, created for, however you want to say it, and in one phone conversation followed by an impromptu office visit, it's yanked away. I called my beautiful bride and just wept, had a hard time saying understandable words. She was a rock for me. I know she counts on me to be strong for her, but when I need her strength in return, I'm stunned by it.

My faith is being tested, I've never walked through this before. I've never had something that I believed was right and I felt called to not happen. Don't misunderstand that, I've tried for tons of things I didn't get, from jobs to dates (obviously pre marriage) to cars, etc., but I've only felt a sense of calling three, maybe four times in my life, and those things happened. My sense of calling and belief in that place has not changed, but I will not go there to work tomorrow. Why is this happening? Did I miss God? If I did, why did absolutely everyone I shared much detail with agree with amazing excitement that this had to be God? Were all of us wrong? The thing is, if we're not wrong, it's even more complicated.

It would seem easier to say something like "I must have missed God on this" than to believe that not only did I not miss God, He made sure all of those I had opportunity to share with confirmed this direction in my life. Because if all of that's true, and frankly I believe that it is, then I have to believe that God is turning this for my good and His glory. On His timeframe. That looks fairly spiritual as I read it, but I don't feel real spiritual. I'm heartbroken. And I'm mad. I'm more than a little confused.

You may say something like "don't count your chicks before they hatch" but if you were to talk to those who walked through this with me, you'd find that I didn't. You might want to rush to my defense and believe I was misled into thinking the job was mine. I may have been. I'm less concerned with any misleading on the human level, I'm wondering if I was misled by God. Ok, don't gasp and quote scripture at me because of that comment, but it does me no good to disguise and water down how I feel. Thanks to my good friend for his recent post on disillusionment, and his reminder that God is in the middle of that. I'm not ready to say I'm Ok with it as he does, but it spoke to me.

Maybe we're getting down to it, me and God. I want to know and relate to Him more, and He's taking me to places where my faith is tested, where trials turn to Gold. I'd like to say something positive and report how excited I am and trusting I am, but, lying doesn't accomplish anything, especially in relating and hearing God. So right now, this just really sucks.


SuperMom said...

i feel as if i can contribute with a sense of expertise in your situation. i have come to the place that i do not what the will of God is in my life or other lives. that is not to mean that i do not trust Him, but it has become a pursuit of men in this age to trace God's hand like one finds the traveling path of a mosquito in the air. it is theological bullshit to assume that the frail mind of man can see the past and attempt to declare exactly how the creator turned this way or that. i have come to believe that the hand of God is seen in the past only after many years has gone by.
in this culture, we see that God must "give us the desires of our heart" and if he doesn't, then we obviously somehow missed him. i think the only to not become truly bitter and hating His character is to live missionally. living in that manner has kept me from certain insanity. when i first came to rivendell, i lived in a constant state of trying to find God's will for my life. fuck that! He will put me in the place He wants whenever it happens and i have no idea what that will even look like. i hope that this will be the only time you must face this. whoever they choose, it is truly their loss man. you are still the leader of the heart of our gathering. this bud's for you.

........hubby of supermom

steve said...

You continue to teach me about worship. There is a strange hidden hope in your sorrow. You have reminded me of how much sorrow is a part of worship. Something the world needs to see before it can see Christ. You are caught in a vortex of agony and faith that others have walked before you. I would guess that is where the writer of this psalm was. Love you.

"I cried out to God for help;I cried out to God to hear me. When I was in distress, I sought the Lord; at night I stretched out untiring hands and my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered you, O God, and I groaned;I mused, and my spirit grew faint. You kept my eyes from closing;I was too troubled to speak. I thought about the former days,the years of long ago;

I remembered my songs in the night.
My heart mused and my spirit inquired:"Will the Lord reject forever? Will he never show his favor again? Has his unfailing love vanished forever? Has his promise failed for all time? Has God forgotten to be merciful? Has he in anger withheld his compassion?"
Psm. 44

SuperMom said...

Oh, my brother, I am so sorry. I know how excited you and your wife were about this job.

We've been there. And we're here for you now.

That really stinks.

Dino said...

"God, where are you!? What have I done to make you hide from me? Are you playing cat and mouse with me, or are your purposes larger than my perceptions? I feel alone, lost, forsaken. You are the God who majors in revealing yourself. You showed yourself to Abraham, Issac, and Jacob. When Moses wanted to know what you looked like, you obliged him. Why them and not me?

I am tired of praying. I am tired of asking. I am tired of waiting. But I will keep on praying and asking and waiting because I have no where else to go.

Jesus, you, too knew the lonliness of the desert and the isolation of the cross. And it is through your forsaken prayer that I speak these words. Amen"

Richard Foster "Prayer" pg. 24-25.

LiteratureLover said...

I HATE those moments even if they are necessary. I'm sorry for you and wife. I love you both.

Gina said...

You don't know me, but I stumbled onto your blog and hot tears stung my eyes as I read it. I am the "wife" of a minister (who probably has much in common w/you since I found your blog through other connections we have) and my husband and I have been on this same journey. I could so relate and my heart broke fresh again for my own hubby and for you and your wife. It hurts so much and IT DOES SUCK. REALLY having to wrestle with God hurts. I feel like we have the limp of Jacob to prove it! It's so easy to tell other people that it's okay to question God and even good, but when the rubber meets the road, it's one of the most painful things I've ever done. We have worked hard not to become bitter, but we are different people for having gone through this. I like to think we are better people for it, and we are in some ways, in others we are more wary and cynical than we should be. We are feeling refreshed these days and are ready to put ourselves out there again, but I don't presume for one minute to understand God's Call anymore. I just have to somehow trust that where ever we land, God will be there too. No platitudes...just want to let you know you and your wife (I know her pain) are in my prayers.

thebarefootpoet said...

To each of you my brothers and sisters, your words have challenged, comforted, encouraged, and reminded me I'm not alone. Gina, welcome to my blog and you are always welcome. My deepest love and thanks to you all.

heartsjoy said...

I can totally relate to this blog. Just last year my husband and I went through this and it was incredibly painful. Rejection hurts but feeling like you KNEW God's direction and then have it thwarted is so painful and confusing. It rocks everything within you. I can relate to the place you are at and all I can say is that I'm sorry you are having to walk through it. I would love to share encouragement as well but I know right now you need to grieve. Love you guys and will be praying for you.

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