I'm sitting here to write this and my mind's racing so fast that even if my fingers could keep up I'm certain the random, attention deficit ramblings that would follow might change the face of blogging as we know it. (Masterfully overstated, huh?) Today has been one of those days when the truth I encountered in our gatherings seemed to land in some deep spots. I kind of smarted off about weight in my last entry but in reality there are some soul-deep issues involving worship, discipline, finishing, and selfishness that are working themselves out in the way I eat and the way I am shaped (like, the actual shape of my body, not my emotions and psyche and however else the hell people use the word shaped). I am compelled to start this thing by doing some real scary revealing (watch where you go with that, Kyle) about my current condition. Funny how knowing that some of your community reads this makes being honest both really cool and really scary all at the same time. Kyle has observed the importance of "naming" an issue, so I'm calling this one out...
I weighed 318 pounds when I stepped on the scale the other day. Nope, not a typo, sure, go ahead and gasp, whisper a cuss word with in a shocked manner(I will soon dedicate an entire blog to various emotions you can put with cuss words and how that changes their meaning), just about any reaction other than "lightweight" is probably appropriate. I snore to the point of sleep apnea, which is dangerous and generally difficult for others to sleep through. My back tightens up when I walk a ridiculously short distance, I love being in the floor with my son but it's so freakin hard to get up, and something usually feels "crampy". I don't fit in some cars very well, and I don't even fit in some seats very well. I'm a muscular guy, but on my frame a muscular guy should weigh 185 to 190, so, "do the math", yep, that's about 130 or so pounds overweight.
I wanted to put the numbers out there, so to speak, to confront some important stuff. We dealt with two primary things today: extravagant worship- involving the widow who gave a small amount on the surface but all she had in reality; and a lady who broke open a bottle of perfume and poured it on Jesus, and he called it "beautiful". The second thing or things were drawn from an introduction to the book of Jonah, which we are going to study. We looked at themes, and the two that impacted me most were "available ways to run from God" and the amazing pursuit of us by that same God we seek to run away from.
When we relate to God the way I believe He intends us to, and He reigns in our hearts, minds, and actions, I believe we respond with a "pouring out giving all" kind of worship. I believe, in fact, that whatever reigns in our hearts, minds, and actions we respond with a "pouring out giving all" kind of worship. When that is not God, the consequences spread like wildfire, or, in this case, my waist speads like wildfire. Steve said tonight: "There is always a ship to take to your particular Tarshish" and one of my ships is food. Heck, it's more of a Queen Mary/ Titanic kind of sea vessel. Of course, I've got a few small yachts, skiing boats, and a few dingy's I occassionally board for my run toward self rule. See, this is a lot more than will I just stick with South Beach or something, it's about what I adore, and will I follow through, and other things being more important than myself. Yeah, I need to lose the weight, make no mistake about it, but this is more than just the physical discipline of eating differently.
I'd like to say that these thoughts on the reign and rule of food in my life are new and revolutionary, but I've been here before. What might make this time different? Haven't a clue. What I hope is that this sense of the life of God in me, the Holy Spirit that I've begun to hear in more and more clear ways, the impact on my beautiful bride and my little warrior poet, and my community, will guide, counsel, encourage and empower a bonafide life change. So much more than ever is riding on this, for another truth we saw as a theme from Jonah is how my sin affects more than just me. I've always been moved by stories of noble warriors, chivalry, and causes that they have fought for. If ever there was a hidden "Aragorn" in me now would be a good time for his sword. Okay, an LOTR reference popped out, so, since it's started...it's off to Mordor. I need a fellowship, anyone interested?
I am feeling a little random, so on a side note, I think our band freakin rocked today! I just loved the way we sounded...oh, my brother Ben, my heart aches.