Tuesday, November 07, 2006

The Edge of a Knife; The Turn of the Tide

"But this I will say to you: your quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while all the Company is true." The Lady Galadriel, spoken to the fellowship in Lothlorien after Gandalf fell.

"Be merry! We meet again. At the turn of the tide. The great storm is coming, but the tide has turned." Gandalf, spoken to Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli in Fangorn forest.

I've been here before. No, I've been near here before. I've had moments when I knew I was in the middle of something significant about who I am, and who I am to become. I don't know if I've ever had this kind of clarity. At the risk of sounding overly dramatic, to fail this time (which would not be the first) feels as though it would be far more costly, cause far more ruin. While it feels much like the "edge of a knife", I also sense that the tide has turned. The storm that is coming is the battle which will decide if the reign and rule of Christ, the Kingdom of Heaven, will guide and direct my heart and life, or if I will continue my miserable reign. The first battle is food. While this battle looks as overwhelming at times as looking out at 20,000 orcs from the walls of Helm's Deep, I realize that it is just the first battle, and that the gates of Mordor await.

The Kingdom is breaking through in spots, like little beams of light cracking through darkness. Light has broken through in the way I lead worship. While I love and play the music of Charlie Hall, Chris Tomlin and David Crowder, I no longer try to be like them and sound like them, instead our band's sound is authentic to who I am and who we are. I understand more than at any other time that I can recall that the path of wisdom lies before me, and I can choose it.

My close friend Soulreavers referred a friend of his to my blog. After she commented on a post of mine, I checked out her blog and found lots of poetry. This poem asked some amazing questions about identity. I'm beginning to realize that alot of who I am is false. I don't mean that I'm intentionally hiding a secret identity (actually, aren't we all hiding a secret identity, who we really are, on some level?), I do mean that some of what I claim as "that's just my personality type" or "that's just the way I operate" is actually not true at all. Most of the time when I fail it is because I was simply too lazy or too scared or too prideful to do what I should, but I might excuse it by saying "I'm just the scattered disorganized artist kind of guy".

I'm not that kind of guy. Today, as I watched my son, I also spent the day cleaning and organizing our bedroom/office, the living room with all his toys, and did some work in his room. You ask, you did this with a 17 month old? Oh yeah, he was all over mattresses being thrown off of beds, daddy climbing on stools, toys being thrown all over the floor to sort through them. (I waited until he napped to take said toys to garage) A few weeks back I completely reorganized our closet. Make no mistake, doing this greatly pleased and helped my wife, and I love making her happy. However, sitting here typing at our clean and organized desk after watching election returns in our clean and organized living room makes me happy. I'm actually wired with a desire to have things right. To keep things "in order", things like my relationships, my music, my writing, my body, and yes, our house.

I would say something like "I'm getting control of my life", but the thing is, I've always had control. I've just chosen to eat unhealthily, more accurately, I've chosen to overeat unhealthily. I've chosen to not call people back, to watch TV instead of taking care of business, to leave something in the floor instead of putting it back where it belongs. Listen, I've met people who are authentically not the detail oriented type person, I'm not trying to suggest that's not a bonafide personality type. I'm just saying that's not me, just a place I hide.

The storm is coming, but the tide has turned. Now, I have people who deserve a phone call from me. Not only do they deserve it, I want to call them, but will I?


LiteratureLover said...

Man, talk about the edge of a knife! I've been sliced. Not in a condemned way but in a truthful loving way. Your words were about you but they fell right into my heart and my battle. When you said:

I would say something like "I'm getting control of my life", but the thing is, I've always had control.

I about choked. Thank you for bearing your soul and letting it reach me.

angelp said...

Wow, one, you talked about my poetry, and man that's so cool, and two, I agree with literaturelover you just have a way of slicing man!


thebarefootpoet said...

On one hand I could say "it's my blog and I can say what I want" but the reality is pouring myself out with this kind of honesty is something that is a wild mix of relief and joy and fear and trembling. Thanks to both of you, encouraging responses take the edge off that "I can't believe I posted that" feeling.

C D said...

I know of what you speak - the place of being where this really is it. Withdrawing to re-emerge as who we really are by concious choice.

I feel a symmetry with what you're going through, and I appreciate your blog.

Thank you.

heartsjoy said...

I can completely relate to your struggles. It is tiresome and overwhelming at times to realize the control and the lack of it. Thank you for the insight and challenge! I am with you in the battle. I loved the part you said about some rays of light shining through...thank goodness for hope.

Anonymous said...

I love you man. I totally know where you are coming from, about being in control and passing it off as something else.

Anonymous said...


[b]Xrumer SEO Professionals

As Xrumer experts, we possess been using [url=http://www.xrumer-seo.com]Xrumer[/url] for a long immediately things being what they are and grasp how to harness the colossal power of Xrumer and turn it into a Cash machine.

We also provide the cheapest prices on the market. Numberless competitors devise cost 2x or consistent 3x and a lot of the continuously 5x what we responsibility you. But we believe in providing great mending at a low affordable rate. The whole point of purchasing Xrumer blasts is because it is a cheaper substitute to buying Xrumer. So we plan to support that thought in cognizant and yield you with the cheapest censure possible.

Not just do we take the greatest prices but our turnaround occasion for your Xrumer posting is super fast. We compel have your posting done in the forefront you know it.

We also cater you with a ample log of loaded posts on contrasting forums. So that you can notice seeking yourself the power of Xrumer and how we get harnessed it to benefit your site.[/b]

[b]Search Engine Optimization

Using Xrumer you can wish to apprehend thousands upon thousands of backlinks over the extent of your site. Scads of the forums that your Location you settle upon be posted on bear acute PageRank. Having your association on these sites can really help build up some top dignity recoil from links and really riding-boot your Alexa Rating and Google PageRank rating utterly the roof.

This is making your site more and more popular. And with this better in reputation as familiarly as PageRank you can keep in view to witness your place really filthy gamy in those Search Engine Results.

The amount of transportation that can be obtained by harnessing the power of Xrumer is enormous. You are publishing your situation to tens of thousands of forums. With our higher packages you may regular be publishing your locale to HUNDREDS of THOUSANDS of forums. Visualize 1 brief on a in demand forum will by enter 1000 or so views, with communicate 100 of those people visiting your site. At once create tens of thousands of posts on celebrated forums all getting 1000 views each. Your shipping ordain function at the end of one's tether with the roof.

These are all targeted visitors that are interested or curious far your site. Imagine how innumerable sales or leads you can achieve with this colossal number of targeted visitors. You are literally stumbling upon a goldmine primed to be picked and profited from.

Reminisce over, Traffic is Money.



Anonymous said...

Lose Crawling Downloads Using NZB Files You Can Quickly Find Movies, PC Games, Music, Applications and Download Them at Alarming Speeds

[URL=http://www.nzbsrus.com][B]Newsgroup Search[/B][/URL]

Anonymous said...

Uncertainty bring together to Our Risqu‚ Prices at www.Pharmashack.com, The Astounding [b][url=http://www.pharmashack.com]Online Apothecary's [/url][/b] To [url=http://www.pharmashack.com]Buy Viagra[/url] Online ! You Can also Espy Colossal Deals When You [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/cialis.html]Buy Cialis[/url] and When You You [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/levitra.html]Buy Levitra[/url] Online. We Also Sustain a Stupendous Generic [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/phentermine.html]Phentermine[/url] In augment of Your Nutriment ! We Manumit up Make [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/viagra.html]Viagra[/url] and Also [url=http://www.pharmashack.com/en/item/generic_viagra.html]Generic Viagra[/url] !

Anonymous said...

Nearby casinos? query this advanced [url=http://www.realcazinoz.com]casino[/url] handle and wing it crop online casino games like slots, blackjack, roulette, baccarat and more at www.realcazinoz.com .
you can also find gone away from our fresh [url=http://freecasinogames2010.webs.com]casino[/url] lope at http://freecasinogames2010.webs.com and be beneficiary to in veritable spondulix !
another additional [url=http://www.ttittancasino.com]casino spiele[/url] acreage is www.ttittancasino.com , as opposed to of german gamblers, examine magnanimous online casino bonus.

Anonymous said...

Someone deleted several links from letitbit and sendspace ...

From now, we will use www.tinyurlalternative.com as our main [url=http://www.tinyurlalternative.com]url shortener[/url], so every link will be there and visible for everyone.

You can choose from many great [url=http://kfc.ms]short url[/url] address like:

kfc.ms easysharelink.info jumpme.info megauploadlink.info megavideolink.info mygamelink.info myrapidsharelink.info mytorrentlink.info myurlshortener.com mywarezlink.info urlredirect.info urlshrinker.info weblinkshortener.com youtubelink.info and many others.

They maintain over 60 other ready domains and the [url=http://myurlshortener.com]url shortener[/url] service work properly for free without any registration needed.

So we assume it is good notion and suggest you to use [url=http://urlredirect.info]url redirect[/url] service too!

Thank you.

Anonymous said...


[url=http://utenti.multimania.it/faoozxa/]order cigarettes from mexico [/url]
buy cigarettes online out of state buy pop up cigarette case buy export a cigarettes
[url=http://members.multimania.nl/weljgzi/]buy cigarette to resell [/url]
where to buy non fsc cigarettes cheap cigarettes buy can buy monarch cigarettes with credit cards
[url=http://members.multimania.nl/sisebku/]buy herbal cigarettes [/url]
buy all natural cigarettes online pink cigarettes buy buy malibu cigarettes online
[url=http://members.multimania.nl/bpaonyk/]buy cigarettes on-line [/url]
buy online cigarettes order camel crush cigarettes buy tobacco on internet cigarettes
[url=http://members.multimania.nl/oivaoep/]age to buy cigarettes [/url]
order indian cigarettes buy tobacco buy cigarettes online seneca where to buy cigarette pants
[url=http://members.multimania.nl/rivuyqq/]buying cigarettes in barcelona [/url]
buy cheap cigarette where order indian cigarettes online buy cigarette packaging supplys
[url=http://members.multimania.co.uk/fjctuke/]what age you can buy cigarettes [/url]
electronic cigarette buy buy cigarettes in oklahoma online buy cigarettes in salamanca ny

Anonymous said...

Merci pour cette article vraiment interessant,
Je pense que si vos articles continue d'etre aussi interessant a lire,
je vais devenir un lecteur fidele donc merci
casino en ligne

Anonymous said...

Just popping in to say nice site.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://www.onlinecasinos.gd]Online casinos[/url], also known as arranged casinos or Internet casinos, are online versions of vital ("chunk and mortar") casinos. Online casinos encouragement gamblers to rob up and wager on casino games exclusively the Internet.
Online casinos superficially consign on the change odds and payback percentages that are comparable to land-based casinos. Some online casinos turn up at higher payback percentages as a decrease looking in regard to thing gismo games, and some promulgate payout division audits on their websites. Assuming that the online casino is using an fittingly programmed unspecific consolidate up generator, proffer games like blackjack preoccupy an established congress edge. The payout secure a slice after these games are established at within reach of the rules of the game.
Heterogeneous online casinos beak into societal mind or feeling their software from companies like Microgaming, Realtime Gaming, Playtech, Cosmopolitan Foolhardy Technology and CryptoLogic Inc.

Anonymous said...

[url=http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/]payday loans online[/url] Stype payday loans online Flallododebag http://loans.legitpaydayloansonline1.com/ Fundpopog Lenders approve this loan they other that you a bank account that will allow quick repayment of the loan.Now, it has been said that payday loans cause to weeks should unmatchable service of these loans.

Anonymous said...

I’m not that much of a internet reader to be honest but your
sites really nice, keep it up! I'll go ahead and bookmark your website to come back later on. Many thanks

my blog post sky free to view card purchase