Behind me on our bed sleep peacefully my beloved, beautiful, strong wife of 10 years (today!) and my courageous, strong, and yeah, beautiful, son. You want to know what beautiful music sounds like? Slow, peaceful, easy breathing, that's what it sounds like. On Sunday, March 4th, we took our son to the ER as he was working extremely hard to breathe, and today, 17 days later, we sleep in our little duplex together again. I promise to blog shortly on the initial impact of those 17 days, but tonight I have a real struggle, trying to say thanks in a way that captures what our heart feels.
How do you say thanks to a community that has been life and breath, the very words, hands, and feet of Jesus? "Community" has become, unfortunately, just a buzz word to many, but for us, it became peace and truth in a time of upheaval emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
How do we thank my dad and mom and my mother in law? All three endured every moment with us; faithfully, strongly, gently, and consistently. They called their life off to be by our side all day long, and even all night when we changed hospitals. My dad was strength and calm and reinforcement for me moment by moment. What words fit here?
How do I thank my sister who could not spend every moment at the hospital, she has a six month old precious girl, but who endured every moment on the phone, who's questions helped me ask the right questions of the doctors and nurses, and who was most importantly, my sister? And to my brother in law for coming and offering encouragement and strength when events from his past made that extremely difficult emotionally and psychologically.
What can I say to my sister in laws, Terri and Tina, who brought food, love, and laughter? Terri even brought up blankets and pillows for some folks at the St Francis waiting room who had none.
How do we thank my dear, dear friends and pastors, Kyle and Steve? What my wife and mother and mother in law needed from me was strength, courage, calm, and faith. How do I express what it means to me that when I needed those things, they were there, hands on my shoulders, lifting me physically, emotionally, and spiritually? I just don't have the words, my brothers! Kyle even came and stayed up all night at our son's bedside his first night on the ventilator praying so that we could get some much needed rest.
How do we say what's on our hearts to: Chad, for coming and allowing me to get lost in music for just a few minutes, and for bringing his unique sense of humor where it was so needed; to Cathy M, for keeping an early morning prayer vigil and giving my wife some relief and holding my son so she could sleep; to Kara B for coming and holding his hand and gently speaking encouragement to him, and us; to Heather, for coming and giving a really good hug and encouraging words; to Dave for simply coming and offering great conversation and warmth; to Cathy D for two meals, much needed smiles and hugs; to Laura E for listening to us ramble and for a really fantastic salad; to Angela for the use of her laptop, for dinner, and for just thinking of the little things that were so helpful; to Jerry and Jaime for scrambling up after work and getting dinner and superb brownies to us; to Laura L for being there and bringing pillows and blankets; to Daniel for your reassuring presence and smile; to Athena for the gift card, magazines, and drinks; we are so grateful!
To J.D. and Shannon, and Matt and Adrienne, for your deep friendship and support (and for the Bueno, J.D., diet be damned!)
To so many whose prayers weaved amazing support and strength, it was something that we could tangibly feel.
To all those who came to the hospital, to those who couldn't come but prayed fervently, to those who I've undoubtedly forgot to name, you have all been Jesus to us. We feel both incredibly humbled and incredibly loved, and we love you.
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
First Returns Are In
Well, here it is. I'm actually a little shocked that I can see a difference. Very helpful for the old psyche, and well, emotionally, physically, everything.
Here are the specifics. First a little correction. Matt, J.D, and I weighed New Years Eve after piling down pizza and the like and I weighed 325, as I previously reported. On the morning of January 2nd, when I actually started eating differently and changing my habits, I weighed 320. This morning, just slightly over six weeks from January 2nd, I weighed 287, a weight loss of 33 pounds.
I'm excited and motivated again, but not inhuman. I've found myself more tempted in the past few weeks with some of the food choices I used to make. Finding the balance of occasionally enjoying those things, in other words, keeping those times as the exception and not the rule, is a continual battle. I think Dr Phil's book on weight loss (haven't read it) has a chapter title that captures this: "Weight is managed not cured". It won't be "fixed" one day, it will be a lifetime of making the choices.
So, there it is, the first six week update.
By the way, I hope I'm posting often enough for Kyle, who has talked of "weeding" out infrequent posters. Please, don't delete me, please... ; )
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Worth a thousand words...
So coming up soon I'll be posting a new picture of myself. I actually started my new lifestyle on January 2nd, so I've decided to post the first side by side comparison photo approximately six weeks from then. That adds up to about the 16th of February, but that falls on a Friday, and I actually weigh on Tuesdays. In order to give updates on weight lost, I'll be posting the picture on Tuesday, February 20th. I'm pretty nervous, but maybe not for the reasons you would suspect.
Having already crossed the line once, I'm not so nervous about putting a picture out there. What I'm mostly concerned about is if I will actually look any different. I'm actually doing quite well, I won't reveal my current weight loss yet, but I'm getting into an area where I've bailed before. When you have a significant amount of weight to lose, and I believe I need to lose anywhere from 130 to 140 pounds, even significant early losses still leave you very much overweight. In the past, I've lost more than 40 pounds, and then looking in the mirror and seeing virtually no change, I've gotten very discouraged and quit.
Certainly things are different this time, I believe that. However, I know that I'm coming up on one of the mountains I've failed to climb, and it makes me a bit nervous. I guess I'm facing a reality that I've tried to escape in the past. This is a lifestyle change, not a temporary program. I think I used to get so discouraged because I was looking forward to getting my weight off so I could get back to eating whatever I wanted. I think we all want to be able to win our battle, whatever it is, then be done with it and go back to our previous habits. No wonder we are so defeated and discouraged at times, because that is a false hope. To change means exactly that, to change. It's not a diversion, a sabbatical, it's a complete directional shift.
I think that applies to anything in life, and I think in our desire to live without thought and responsibility we sabotage ourselves. We must accept the truth that true freedom from a struggle does not come because you take a temporary route to get it under control, but freedom comes when you take responsibility for the defeat and do something different. Freedom from food abuse does not come when I can eat whatever I want, freedom is when I can eat what's best and turn down what's not.
Having already crossed the line once, I'm not so nervous about putting a picture out there. What I'm mostly concerned about is if I will actually look any different. I'm actually doing quite well, I won't reveal my current weight loss yet, but I'm getting into an area where I've bailed before. When you have a significant amount of weight to lose, and I believe I need to lose anywhere from 130 to 140 pounds, even significant early losses still leave you very much overweight. In the past, I've lost more than 40 pounds, and then looking in the mirror and seeing virtually no change, I've gotten very discouraged and quit.
Certainly things are different this time, I believe that. However, I know that I'm coming up on one of the mountains I've failed to climb, and it makes me a bit nervous. I guess I'm facing a reality that I've tried to escape in the past. This is a lifestyle change, not a temporary program. I think I used to get so discouraged because I was looking forward to getting my weight off so I could get back to eating whatever I wanted. I think we all want to be able to win our battle, whatever it is, then be done with it and go back to our previous habits. No wonder we are so defeated and discouraged at times, because that is a false hope. To change means exactly that, to change. It's not a diversion, a sabbatical, it's a complete directional shift.
I think that applies to anything in life, and I think in our desire to live without thought and responsibility we sabotage ourselves. We must accept the truth that true freedom from a struggle does not come because you take a temporary route to get it under control, but freedom comes when you take responsibility for the defeat and do something different. Freedom from food abuse does not come when I can eat whatever I want, freedom is when I can eat what's best and turn down what's not.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
The Wardrobe Door
When the four Pevensie's exited the wardrobe back into the old mansion after their first adventures in Narnia, they came back looking exactly like they did when they went in, but they were most certainly not who they were when they went in. Hidden and buried in the wardrobe lay their true identity. If you read the stories you know that everyone who went into that "hidden" land and came back out were never the same. Inside that place they were confronted with who they really were, both the good and the bad, and found the courage and strength to no longer hide either.
I said I never "hid" my weight problem. I talked about trying and failing to lose weight on this very blog. What I revealed, however, was basically like cracking the door of the wardrobe and seeing the fur of a few coats. Finding the truth would require someone pushing their way back through the rows of coats until you hit the prickly trees. In this case however, I stood on the inside of the door furiously guarding what was inside. Then something changed. I don't know if it was one thing or a series of things that led to it. A conversation with my dad about how his dad died of a heart attack in his early fifties, after losing a lot of weight, was certainly a sobering, sit down and rethink type moment. You see, I never knew that grandpa, but he was big and built like me, or, I am built like him. When he finally lost weight, the damage was done, he waited too long. That and other things were certainly eye opening "aha" type things, but I also believe that something outside of me had to draw me. The way something drew Lucy to open the door in the first place.
The result was this, my version of flinging open the wardrobe doors and saying "this is it, here I am, no more hiding." Something changed. I knew it then, I know it even more so now, this time is different. I'm not sure if I could've explained it at that moment. In fact, in having a discussion with one of my pastor's and best friend's he pointed out that somehow no longer hiding was a very significant thing for me. I reread that post and found something I had written then but it didn't hit me: "I haven't found it yet, but for all that is a warrior in me I will not hide, at all, anymore".
I think most of us would acknowledge that naming and facing your problem is the first and most important step to overcoming it, I've said that lots of times. I'm certain, though, that I never really understood what that meant, what it means to face and see it for what it really is. That's what I mean by hiding. Can I encourage you and challenge you a little? Find out what it means for you to throw the doors open to your own wardrobe. If it means posting a picture, do it. Don't post a picture if that's not what it means for you, because then the picture just becomes a decoy, but DO something. Post it on your blog, or if you want, I'll post it here and we can struggle together.
Edmund was a traitor, sure enough. I think we feel like if we throw open the doors we'll be found out as well. Uhhm, yeah, actually, you will be found out. It is what it is.
Something else was found out, Edmund was a King, and a hero, and his actions were a pivot point to victory for an entire "nation" of "people".
I said I never "hid" my weight problem. I talked about trying and failing to lose weight on this very blog. What I revealed, however, was basically like cracking the door of the wardrobe and seeing the fur of a few coats. Finding the truth would require someone pushing their way back through the rows of coats until you hit the prickly trees. In this case however, I stood on the inside of the door furiously guarding what was inside. Then something changed. I don't know if it was one thing or a series of things that led to it. A conversation with my dad about how his dad died of a heart attack in his early fifties, after losing a lot of weight, was certainly a sobering, sit down and rethink type moment. You see, I never knew that grandpa, but he was big and built like me, or, I am built like him. When he finally lost weight, the damage was done, he waited too long. That and other things were certainly eye opening "aha" type things, but I also believe that something outside of me had to draw me. The way something drew Lucy to open the door in the first place.
The result was this, my version of flinging open the wardrobe doors and saying "this is it, here I am, no more hiding." Something changed. I knew it then, I know it even more so now, this time is different. I'm not sure if I could've explained it at that moment. In fact, in having a discussion with one of my pastor's and best friend's he pointed out that somehow no longer hiding was a very significant thing for me. I reread that post and found something I had written then but it didn't hit me: "I haven't found it yet, but for all that is a warrior in me I will not hide, at all, anymore".
I think most of us would acknowledge that naming and facing your problem is the first and most important step to overcoming it, I've said that lots of times. I'm certain, though, that I never really understood what that meant, what it means to face and see it for what it really is. That's what I mean by hiding. Can I encourage you and challenge you a little? Find out what it means for you to throw the doors open to your own wardrobe. If it means posting a picture, do it. Don't post a picture if that's not what it means for you, because then the picture just becomes a decoy, but DO something. Post it on your blog, or if you want, I'll post it here and we can struggle together.
Edmund was a traitor, sure enough. I think we feel like if we throw open the doors we'll be found out as well. Uhhm, yeah, actually, you will be found out. It is what it is.
Something else was found out, Edmund was a King, and a hero, and his actions were a pivot point to victory for an entire "nation" of "people".
Saturday, January 13, 2007
First Steps
Here are a few things that are playing really important roles in my journey to this point.
Remember the bottom line (gotta be a joke there). No matter how you go about it, there's really only one rule in terms of losing weight. Burn more calories than you take in. Low fat, low carb, South Beach, Weight Watchers, doesn't matter, they work, regardless of all other claims, because they lower your overall intake of calories. I'm not saying there are not provable health and medical benefits of a low fat diet. All research makes it clear that a healthier heart and cardiovascular system result when you lower bad cholesterol. There's no doubt that restricting your carbohydrate intake, especially of specific kinds of carbohydrate, levels your blood sugar and helps you get a better read on your appetite. I'm not saying all the provable researched facts are worthless, it's also proven and you can ask any doctor that regardless of how healthy your food choices are, eat more than you burn and you will gain weight. Remembering this helps me with my second thing:
Pick your battles. I am following for the most part "The Biggest Loser" diet. There are some things it asks that I cannot do. One is the switch to only whole grain breads, pastas, and cereals. I've switched tons of those choices to whole grain, but some things, like the whole grain pastas I've tried, nope, can't do it. So, if I make choices that are outside of this particular diet's "OK" list, I remember the basics, track the calories, and move on. I do have some things that I'm simply training myself to eat. Like veggies. In general, I don't really like anything but corn and green beans. That's it. So I'm learning to enjoy asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower, bell peppers, and the like. Long term health depends on that, so it's a battle worth fighting. Pasta's not. Neither is low fat cheese. See, I need to make permanent change. The easiest way to set myself up for failure is to force myself to choke down stuff I can't stand in the name of losing weight. So I have a few chips now and then, and though I will rarely have it (and haven't since I started), I'll eat regular bacon, not turkey bacon. When I do this, however, I meticulously right down and track the calories. Righting stuff down, that leads me to my last thing.
I have several diverse forms of accountability. My wife beautiful wife is following this with me. I've survived at least two moments when I was ready to pick up fast food simply because she reminded me to ask if it was really worth it. I also right down everything I eat and it's caloric content religiously. I can't tell you how much impact it has to see it in black and white, what you've had, where you stand in terms of calories, and types of foods you've eaten. It also is a good deterrent, Jenni and I decided not to eat Mexican food out one night last week just because it would kill us to have to right down the exhorbatant calories we'd just packed in. I have this blog and a decision to post a picture of myself (brave? insane? not sure which) and to continue posting them. I have a bet with a couple of buddies in which we will weigh in six months and the person with the highest percentage of weight loss will collect from the other two. Then we're gonna weigh again in a year, with more on the line.
It just seems that the more I have in place the better. My life and struggles are not just a neat scripted diet to follow. Sometimes I need to pray and cry out to God, sometimes its a perfectly timed word from my wife, sometimes it's seeing my food log, or thinking of the next picture I promised to post here, or just losing to my boys when I want to spank em. My life is filled with different kinds of struggles and moments of weakness, and giving myself the freedom to be moved and motivated by a variety of people/things is something that I haven't incorporated before, and neither is a no nonsense remember the basics of weight loss.
I'm truly starting to believe that I'm gonna do this. I know some of you are struggling and trying as well. I'm clearly not a weight loss guru, but I've learned some from, oh, 12 years or more of trying and failing. You can do this. I hope any of my thoughts are helpful. I'd love to hear from those who are fighting this fight or other fights.
Remember the bottom line (gotta be a joke there). No matter how you go about it, there's really only one rule in terms of losing weight. Burn more calories than you take in. Low fat, low carb, South Beach, Weight Watchers, doesn't matter, they work, regardless of all other claims, because they lower your overall intake of calories. I'm not saying there are not provable health and medical benefits of a low fat diet. All research makes it clear that a healthier heart and cardiovascular system result when you lower bad cholesterol. There's no doubt that restricting your carbohydrate intake, especially of specific kinds of carbohydrate, levels your blood sugar and helps you get a better read on your appetite. I'm not saying all the provable researched facts are worthless, it's also proven and you can ask any doctor that regardless of how healthy your food choices are, eat more than you burn and you will gain weight. Remembering this helps me with my second thing:
Pick your battles. I am following for the most part "The Biggest Loser" diet. There are some things it asks that I cannot do. One is the switch to only whole grain breads, pastas, and cereals. I've switched tons of those choices to whole grain, but some things, like the whole grain pastas I've tried, nope, can't do it. So, if I make choices that are outside of this particular diet's "OK" list, I remember the basics, track the calories, and move on. I do have some things that I'm simply training myself to eat. Like veggies. In general, I don't really like anything but corn and green beans. That's it. So I'm learning to enjoy asparagus, broccoli, cauliflower, bell peppers, and the like. Long term health depends on that, so it's a battle worth fighting. Pasta's not. Neither is low fat cheese. See, I need to make permanent change. The easiest way to set myself up for failure is to force myself to choke down stuff I can't stand in the name of losing weight. So I have a few chips now and then, and though I will rarely have it (and haven't since I started), I'll eat regular bacon, not turkey bacon. When I do this, however, I meticulously right down and track the calories. Righting stuff down, that leads me to my last thing.
I have several diverse forms of accountability. My wife beautiful wife is following this with me. I've survived at least two moments when I was ready to pick up fast food simply because she reminded me to ask if it was really worth it. I also right down everything I eat and it's caloric content religiously. I can't tell you how much impact it has to see it in black and white, what you've had, where you stand in terms of calories, and types of foods you've eaten. It also is a good deterrent, Jenni and I decided not to eat Mexican food out one night last week just because it would kill us to have to right down the exhorbatant calories we'd just packed in. I have this blog and a decision to post a picture of myself (brave? insane? not sure which) and to continue posting them. I have a bet with a couple of buddies in which we will weigh in six months and the person with the highest percentage of weight loss will collect from the other two. Then we're gonna weigh again in a year, with more on the line.
It just seems that the more I have in place the better. My life and struggles are not just a neat scripted diet to follow. Sometimes I need to pray and cry out to God, sometimes its a perfectly timed word from my wife, sometimes it's seeing my food log, or thinking of the next picture I promised to post here, or just losing to my boys when I want to spank em. My life is filled with different kinds of struggles and moments of weakness, and giving myself the freedom to be moved and motivated by a variety of people/things is something that I haven't incorporated before, and neither is a no nonsense remember the basics of weight loss.
I'm truly starting to believe that I'm gonna do this. I know some of you are struggling and trying as well. I'm clearly not a weight loss guru, but I've learned some from, oh, 12 years or more of trying and failing. You can do this. I hope any of my thoughts are helpful. I'd love to hear from those who are fighting this fight or other fights.
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