"Nothing tastes as good as thin feels"

Washed out. Defeated. S.O.S. (as in same old ...). I have suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the diet monster. I'd say my butt was toast but at the rate I've been going I would have slapped some butter and jelly on it and knocked that sucker back. I'm at a loss. I don't know how to beat this. I'm sick of my brokenness.

When I look at my son, who's starting to think that his daddy is something, how can I continue to ignore the exploding warning flags around my physical condition? How many times will I struggle to stand up when I've been playing on the floor with him before I freakin' do something? Tonight we went to Mardel's to pick up some stuff for Jenni's classroom. While she looked he and I went to the music, we put on some headphones, then went over to the TV's. They have like six TV's all showing a Derek Webb video called "I wanna be broken". He pointed at the TV's and said "ah!" very excitably. Yeah, we both kinda got caught up in the song. I was mesmerized watching and listening, seeing the lighting of the stage, and I looked down, and my son was equally mesmerized. I leaned down and put my arm around him and he leaned his head back on my shoulder and we just stayed there caught up in that song and that moment. It was both awesome and beautiful. So when I've eaten myself into the ground before he grows up, who will tell him that story? I'd rather tell him myself. You'd think that would be enough to make serious changes, but I'm too damn broken and weak and I hate it. I HATE IT!!

My beautiful wife sleeps behind me. She loves me and thinks I'm the warrior and poet I dream to be. She apparently thinks whales are beautiful, because she constantly tells me how attracted she is to me and how good I look. My excessive overweight body is a hindrance in virtually every area of my life and our relationship. She doesn't think I could look better, but she would love to enjoy a lifetime together raising our family and serving God. Most honest men know our wives are way beyond what we deserve, but her grace and abiding love for me in spite of the idiot I am leave me shaking my head unable to think of what words I could say. You'd think that would be enough to make serious changes, but I'm to damn broken and weak and I hate it. I HATE IT!!!

I heard someone say recently that it really is a matter of choice. I may say I hate it, or that I want to lose weight, but my choices tell me that's not what I really want. I think there is some serious truth to that. The most serious part about following that train of thought is it leads ultimately to confronting just how broken I am. When I first started this thing I felt like Aragorn and the Dead exiting the boats at Pelennor Fields and doing some serious whuppin, or riding down the hill at Helm's Deep with Eomer and Gandalf. Right now I feel a whole lot more like Boromir with a bunch of Orc arrows sticking out of me, thinking that all the fighting I just did was in vain.

I don't know how to do this. The title of this is something a lady painted on a plate at the studio a few days back. It gave me this flash of motivation, but it faded. I'm in a bad place regarding this battle right now. I need help.

Obviously, this is bigger than just my waist size and the numbers on my scale. It's about deep seeded changes in what I believe about God, myself, and community. It's all much bigger than me right now (and, uh, that's pretty big).

Pop, pop, pop, pop music...and culture

My dear friend, supermom, started a little back and forth, give and take kinda thing regarding a little pop starlet named Kelly Clarkson. Maybe you've heard of her (yes, in the name of all that's good maybe somebody hasn't). I tried to let it die peacefully, but no, supermom had to put a little comment on one of my posts, then, I earned an entry on her blog. Actually, I feel kind of special, I think she has about 100 million people who read her blog, and I was worthy of being a topic! I had to break Sting out on her. I know, that's pretty harsh, but, she said it was ON, so you do what you gotta, right?

Truth of the matter is, we are having a good time with it, but, dangit, it made me start thinking. Does anybody know how hard that is? Thinking? Anyway, the conversation we had when she along with her wonderful family treated my family to a lovely evening was that I wasn't a "believer" in Kelly yet. I appreciate that she wrote more on this last album. I appreciate the honesty in the lyrics, even if they aren't as moving and poetic as someone like Sting. I think "Because of You" combined with the video she filmed for it has some powerful redemption and reconciliation themes. I'm just not convinced that she won't go running back to "American Idol" teen pop crap if she has the slightest dip in record sales or TRL appearances. I made a crack in the comments about comparing Kelly to Brittney Spears even though she clearly is light years better as a singer and an artist. That was mostly to fire up supermom, and it was a raging success : ) There are some similarities that bug me, though. Have you seen some the rags Kelly's had on in some recent videos? Her "new" image? Pisses me off, frankly. Which brings me to what I really want to post about. My blossoming love/hate relationship with pop culture.

I love culture. What people are influenced by, how they dress, how they express themselves, their language and what fuels them. I think we have a distinct call as followers of Jesus to understand, relate, and even enjoy our culture. To be in the world. The things that move and shake and motivate our culture are also the places where people are likely crying out for God, and the places He is already busy at work waiting for His hands and feet, a.k.a. the Church, to say "here am I, send me." I think for the church to see the broken and hurting in this world find Kingdom Life we must love and embrace the culture.

I hate POP culture. This part of the culture at large is enslaving, deceitful, fake, and manipulative. It puts people on dangerous paths regarding how they treat their body, how they treat their family, and what they value. Another good friend talked about the marketing part of this in a recent post. Pop culture can disguise crap, like the Hillary Duff song supermom sarcastically referred to and put on her blog for all to hear (still have a twitch), and make a few people wealthy feasting on truth starved brains. It seems some people are experts at finding the brokenness of people and instead of offering healing they take advantage and deceive.

I guess I'm thinking we have a two faceted response to our culture. One facet is to embrace, understand, and live in. To let the religious leaders of our day see us as "friends of sinners, gluttons and drunkards". We're in good company, really good company if we're viewed this way. The second facet is to subvert culture, to offer something that is counter to the manipulation, lies, and chameleon like lifestyle our culture pushes. I'm not talking about the church sub culture, I'm talking about the message and lifestyle, the culture if you will, of the Kingdom of Heaven.

What if when Jesus said the "truth shall set you free" He wasn't referring to your belief about dispensationalism or predestination or women preachers but about who He is, and about who you are, and about the mission He is on that He wants us to join.

Okay, so I got a little reflective on some silly fun with some music. I can honestly say that I hope with each new release that Kelly stays the path, continues to get more authentic, and offers hope in what she has to say. Only time will tell. In the meantime, we can hold our lives up to the mirror of Truth and let it shine in the deepest parts of our souls.

"I've been kicked out of better...."

First smile, first burp, first bowel movement, first giggle, first word, oh the joys of fatherhood. How 'bout first place kicked out of?

"Oh what a beautiful mooorning..." Day started with a birthday party at work. The mom who's daughter's birthday was being celebrated was one of those rare treats who was so controlling and such an order freak that she had been requesting meetings and showing up unnannounced at work to ask really stupid questions pretending to be smart. She was, after all, an event planner, and she clearly knew better how to host a birthday party at our studio that she's never been in because she sends her nanny with her daughter. I finally had to tell her fairly straightfowardly that through the painting part of the celebration we would do things my way, then she could direct as she wished after that. I know this is wrong but the painting went great, and the party descended into utter chaos once "event planner" mom took over, and I was happy. Wrong, I know.

"Chicks and ducks and geese better scurry..." Then on to the main event, an evening with the family at Discoverylands production of Rodgers and Hammerstein's "Oklahoma!". Discoveryland is an outdoor ampitheater that is acknowledged by Rodgers and Hammerstein's foundation as the official home of this musical. When I was in elementary and junior high and even a few years in high school we use to go to see the musical there every summer as a family, and occasionally a second time with a youth group. I always loved it. We performed "Oklahoma!" my senior year in high school, I was a dancing cowboy (Stop laughing. I mean it.) That was twenty years ago, and I had not been to Discoveryland since then. (Seriously, stop laughing.) This was a big event. Started great. We pulled up to the entrance, and a cowgirl was sitting on her horse waving and smiling as we pulled in. We knew one of my nephews had a summer job there, but we didn't know if we'd see him. Lo and behold, he guides us into our parking space. We went inside to eat, and Caedmon gets his first pony ride. He thought it was awesome. Walking beside him holding him in the saddle and watching him laugh and grin was a priceless moment. Dinner was a steak sandwich, kind of like you get at the Fair. Man, what a night. Off to the ampitheater to watch a group sing some cowboy songs (yeehah) and watch an Indian dancer ( awesome).

"Poor Jud is dead, poor Jud Fry is dead" The cowboy, or cowboy impersonator, that was introducing the show had a funny little quip, went something like this: "We'd ask that you turn your cell phones off or to the silent operation, and if you have young kids we'd ask you do the same". Once the show started, my son lasted approximately half of the opening song and he was bored, but, he was quiet. He got obsessed with the bald guy sitting in front of me, I mean, that dude's head had to be waxed. Caedmon kept reaching out to touch it, shoot, I kind of wanted to touch it too. Finally, he started complaining. Being dutifully courteous parents, my wife and I took him first to the top rows, where he still was a little noisy, then up to the top of the ampitheater by the snacks. We could still see, and he was no longer down with the paying patrons. BOOM! Shotgun goes off. Scared the crap out of me, and Caedmon kind of started whimpering. Not crying, just a little startled by a shotgun blast. (It was part of the play, and we were warned before hand, but, dude, it was loud!)

"And that's about as fer as he could go" I saw her coming. Little Discoveryland worker patrolling the area. With a fake smile and faux friendliness, she blurts "Sorry, you'll need to take him out there" pointing to the quiet abyss completely outside of the ampitheater. You would have to know my son to know the smile he shot at her. You would have to know me to know what I shot at her. He had officially been kicked out of Discoveryland. My wife and my sister were duly offended. I think my mom has potentially contacted special forces to storm the place. After a brief indignant moment, I began to feel proud. Downright giddy by this morning. Blogging about it tonight.

Okay, so if you're going to call yourself "family entertainment", maybe you ought to give a little more room for family. Look, we stepped out of where we were disturbing people, I get respecting that some folks spent $17 on a ticket to see a show that featured performers with half the talent that the theater was once known for. I think there were plenty of adults whimpering after that shotgun blast, I wasn't, I was mostly concerned about the status of my underwear. ( You're laughing again.) The noise of kids is a special thing. I know there are times when kids need to be quiet and respectful, and that is hard work for parents to do. I also think there are times when the laughter of children creates a beautiful backdrop. Ah, what do I know. I do know I'd like to go back to Discoveryland with about 50 or so kids three and under, and another 10 or so kids 8-12 years old to stir up the 50. I know, that plan is probably not from Jesus. So, the parenting adventure continues. I was proud to be pointed the door with my son, felt like a moment.

"Lightning bolts out of my arse!"

So Kyle's blog sends me to this quiz, and I take it. You would think I rigged this deal I'm so happy with my results. I just need to live up to them, but, it's a start. Are you kidding me? William Wallace, Captain Jack and Maximus as a top three? Most of the time the only things I feel in common is with Captain Jack's love of Rum. But maybe somewhere in there there's a little of the rest of them. Here's what the results were:

You scored as William Wallace.
The great Scottish warrior William Wallace led his people against their English oppressors in a campaign that won independence for Scotland and immortalized him in the hearts of his countrymen. With his warrior's heart, tactician's mind, and poet's soul, Wallace was a brilliant leader. He just wanted to live a simple life on his farm, but he gave it up to help his country in its time of need.
William Wallace 83% Captain Jack Sparrow 79% Maximus 75% Neo, the "One" 75% Batman, the Dark Knight 67% El Zorro 63% Lara Croft 58% Indiana Jones 58% The Terminator 54% The Amazing Spider-Man 29% James Bond, Agent 007